Tools Explained

[Tribal]

The old man sent me this today - too good not to share...

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ###### '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering the car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.



Some additions


Air compressor: Used to convert electricity generated 50 miles away in a huge power station into a glorified duster and for blowing up the kids paddling pool.

Angle Grinder: Used to add random deep scratches around the line you are trying to cut along.

Glue Gun: Precision applicator of glue the temperature of magma onto all exposed areas of skin and any delicate finished material.

1/2" drill bit: Used to drill holes of 3/4" and larger. Operators generally employ the ream method.

1/4" drill bit: Used to remove 1/8" drill bits that have snapped off in the work piece.

Pop Riveter: Useful for loosely joining steel and aluminium and removing unwary fingers

Chisel: Standby flat bladed screwdriver and useful for opening paint tins.

Plane: For finding hidden nails and screws in pieces of wood.

Wire cutters: Used for hacking through steel cable and small cutting jobs in all ferrous metals.

Electric Screwdriver: For removing the heads from wood screws and the threads from machine screws.

And don't forget, if a torque wrench is unavailable, tighten the bolt up until the thread strips and back off half a turn.



And some more

Orbital sander: Used to make appealing circular ethnic patterns in wooden surfaces, usually table tops.

Sprayer/paint gun: Handy for 'pinpricking' your neighbours car with magnolia exterior masonry paint. Can also be used for making windows opaque.

Centre punch: useful for testing the surface strength of various materials to check for penetration depth of foreign objects.

Broken small drill bits: Ideal for finding and locating the depth of bone in finger tips.

Gas blow lamps: Used to test the flame proofing of any materials located under floorboards, also handy for removing unwanted facial hair.