Second of three stories - not car related

[Vincenzo]

This is the second story as promised. It is not an original, but a story told to me about 50 years ago. I have always enjoyed it and learnt to recite it at a young age. The colourful words used by the narrator in describing things is just magical. There are many old coloquial sayings that are almost lost on today’s youth. If there is something you don’t understand, just ask and I will try to explain.

This poem of sorts has been known by many different names. The great Australian whinger / The Queensland shearer just to name two. So here goes;

Well I first met ‘im in a shearin’ shed in central Queensland. He was knockin’ the wool off a couple of old wethers down the other end of the board. Looked like he coulda done a better job with a tomahawk. So I thought I’d cheer ‘im up a bit. So, I walk up to him and straight out and simple like says “how’d ya be”.

Well he didn’t answer me at first. Just kept knockin’ the wool off the sheep till he finished the job and savagely booted ‘em down the shute. Then he stands up and inclines his head to one side and spat what seemed to be a stream of molten metal about three yards. Then he straightens up and fixes me with a pair of eyes in which I can see the fires of a deep hatred burning all the time and he bores into me with ‘em as he says

“How would I bloody well be”. He says “how would I be”. He says “have a go at me will ya. I got dirt on every square inch of me flamin’ hide. I’m shearing sheep that shoulda been dog’s bloody meat years ago. Working for the lousiest coot in Australia. Can’t even leave him ‘cause the missus has got a bloody hound from Brisbane following me with a maintenance bloody order. Haven’t tasted beer for months. Last glass I had was knocked outa me hand by some clumsy clown before I half finished the bloody thing. And you got the hide to ask me how I’d be. How would I bloody well be”

Well I didn’t see him for a few years, and when I did it was in Sydney, down on Circular Quay. There were 50,000 men trying to get into uniform and webbing, the War had just broken out. Oh I could pick him out alright, he looked like a kangaroo dog trying to sit on a ping pong ball. So I called out to him “how’d ya be digger”

He said “how would I bloody well be” He said “have a go at this bloody outfit will ya, get onta the bloody hat. Size seven and a half and I take six and three bloody quarters. I got a Sydney Morning Herald and a toilet roll in there trying to keep it on me bloody head. He said “how ‘bout the shirt, just get onta the giggling girt” he says. “Worth Circus have been trying to get it off me back all morning to make a big top out of the bloody thing. And how ‘bout the strides, sartorial flamin’ elegance “ he says. “Straight from Saville Row they are, via bloody Bombay. There’s enough room in the seat of them for a brewary horse as well as me. The smorning the Sarge says hey you, stand to attention. I said I am at attention Sarge me bloody uniform ’s at ease. And how ‘bout the boots, enough leather to make a full set of harness and three bloody saddles, and some smart clowns been trying to tell me this is a man’s bloody outfit”.

Well, the next time I saw him was in Tobruk. He was sitting on an empty shell case. His tin hat was leaning over one eye and there was a baked bean sliding down the edge of it. His rifle was leaning up against his right knee, cigarette butt was scorching a hole in his chin and he was trying to clean his nails with the tip of his bayonet. Well, I know I shouldn’t a done it but I crept up to him and said how’d ya be digger.

Well he swallowed the butt and gave me a really mad look and said “how’d I bloody well be. Six months in this rotten bloody hole thats how I’d bloody well be. Can’t even go to sleep at night for the wizz bangs thumping and crashing round ya bloody ears. Ya stick ya head out the trench to have a shofty, every Fritz in Africa has a shot at it. Swallowing sand with every meal, copping the bloody crow at every hand out” He said ”its worse, I’ll tell ya straight mate, its bloody dangerous here. I’m frightened of dying in the bloody place, thats how I’d bloody well be.”

Well just then there was a tremendous explosion. When I came to and picked myself up I could see I was on a cloud. Off in the distance I could see another cloud drifting along and it was hanging down on one end a bit. There was me ol’ mate sitting down on that end and I called out to ‘im and he flew over. I said to him, how’d ya be brother.

He said “how would I be.” He says “have a go at the bloody nightgown will ya. I trip over it 50 times a bloody day. It takes me ten minutes to haul it up when I want to scratch me bloody knee.” He says “how ‘bout the halo, eight sizes to big for me. The only thing that keeps it on me head ‘s me bloody ears. Look at the dents in it, its like a second hand hula hoop. Here’ he says “have a decko at the right wing. She loves me, she loves me not. There’s feathers missing off it in every bloody direction. I’m either molting or I got Newcastle disease one or the other. Ere” he says “before ya go, cop an optic on the bloody Harp they give a bloke, 12 strings missing and band practice in five bloody minutes. And you got the hide to ask me how I’d be, how would I be, how would you expect a man to bloody well be.

[Maka]

G'day Vincenzo, thanks for posting your very enjoyable 2nd story mate, ive just reread it & appreciated the time and effort you put in posting it up for all us. Im looking foward to the 3rd story

cheers,Maka

[davenl5l]

howd ya be

[poppa smurf]

ah! yet another blissful waste of five minutes........well done!

[V3RSAC3]

I really enjoy the randomness of your stories, you'll always have me as a reader!

[supershifty]

Vincenzo, keep 'em coming mate! It's a nice change from what's usually going on around here. At least ya won't get flamed for it!

Cheers brother!

PS: I'm a little stale in my years - but I can follow the text.

[Vincenzo]

To those of you who have read my little stories and enjoyed them, I thank you. To bring a smile, a bit of relief or whatever it is to your life makes me happy.

The last and final part will be in about a week to ten days. After that I will be taking a break. I am fighting a major health battle on three fronts (***** growing in my brain, a dickey ticker and renal failure) and until such time as the Doctors can sort out the medication madness, I get tired very quickly.

So, again thankyou and stay tuned.

Cheers and take care

Vincenzo (Vinny)

[poppa smurf]

thanks vincenzo......hope all goes well for you.....look forward to the next instalment

well done. and take care!

[dave351cid]

another great read.

sorry to hear about your dramas mate. i hope they can get it under control for you. look after yourself and thanks for the stories. love em.
dave