Timmeh's General Amusement Thread #2

Timmeh · 12-08-2005, 06:24 PM

Ok, I get e-mailed massive amounts of stuff at work, some funny, some I have seen before, some, well, just plain weird.

So here is a small collection of some of the stuff that has been e-mailed to me lately - if you have seen it, great, if not, enjoy. Oh yeah, if there is a website link on a photo I was e-mailed, chances are that's where someone got the picture from.

Minor language and adult themes (but no porn, unless you count the tiny dog trying to make out with the much larger dog).

To All Al Queda Fighters

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster ... have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the *** out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairymilk chocolates recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" (short for Osama) on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairymilk slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SH*GS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. ( With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug.

Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny any more.

G'day Everyone,

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost
went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at
age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in, and that's when the trouble started.

SHUT UP.
You know it's funny and it made you laugh!

Chocolate Story

It was a White Knight, and Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree were on a River cruise, they met on the Top Deck, It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was an Old Jamaican. They walked hand in hand down Milky Way and around the Family Block.

They stopped in at the Mars Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum. She asked if he could pass her a Coaster, He said "Sure...Take 5 ". They Decided to leave as the music was too loud, & neither of them liked M&M.

On the way out he bought her some Roses, She said they were her Favourites. They walked down to his sports car, it was a Red Ferrero.
He made some small talk, and tried to make out like he was a Smartie.

She spoke a little but didn't say much as she didn't want to Polly Waffle on. He suggested they should go somewhere quiet. She said if you play your cards right you might get lucky aftertea. He replied, After Dinner?.. Mint! " At this point he knew she was Cherry Ripe!

He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "And I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Bars, They felt Smooth & Creamy. He thought to himself, They'll definitely melt in your mouth & not in your hand. He told her that he had a King Size Bar, but she thought he might just be telling Fantales.

They checked into a Motel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand down into her Snickers and felt her Kit Kat. She started to play with his Fruit & nuts, But then she said "Stop!" He though she was a Malteaser, But he still wanted to Jaff-er. So he showed her his Curly Wurly. Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly
Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He thought this was Fantastic as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.

It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he finished, his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted Moro but he needed to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet and gave her a Gob Stopper. He was exhausted, so he rolled over for a Flake.

Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with All Sorts!!

The last person is a photo of me too by the way. If you feel sorry for me, send money to.... ah forget it.

Till next time!

Timmeh!